Sweet Surrender
by RissaAngel
Summary: A lost, unrequited love and a lonely, young man seeking absolution for his sins. A tale of Severus Snape's love for Lily Potter, and why he decided to become a double agent.


**Sweet Surrender  
**Larissa  
  
**Disclaimer:** These characters are not my own--they belong to the genius, JK Rowling. The lyrics are by composer and writer Sarah McLachlan's "Sweet Surrender".

* * *

_Doesn't mean much  
Doesn't mean anything at all_  
  
It was close to three in the morning, and all of the shops and pubs on the streets were vacant. A cold mist had settled on the village, hindering what little light there was from the sickle moon, which was peaking out from behind a grey cloud in the sky.  
  
"Lily," he breathed. Stepping out of the dark shadows, he revealed his gaunt face. He looked tired and unhealthy--his black eyes had dark rings under them, and his skin was sallow and hung loosely over his sharp cheekbones. It looked as though he had lost a great amount of weight in a small amount of time.  
  
A cloaked figure gasped and turned, exposing a wand clutched in a pale, feminine hand. Her green eyes widened as she saw him. "Oh," she gasped, "Severus!" She smiled slightly at him, but did not lower the wand she was holding, "Stay quiet," she warned, quickly searching the mist for any unwelcome guests. "I wasn't sure if you were here or not."  
  
Her words hardly surprised him. Severus remained silent, answering her with a curt nod, eyes searching the streets for any signs of movement. It was a practiced art of his. He had never needed any magical expertise to learn how to go unnoticed. As a young child, it began as a means of avoiding the savage beatings of a raging father. During his enrollment at Hogwarts, it had been to avoid the weekly hexes and childish pranks.  
  
As a Death Eater, he had used it to stalk his prey.  
  
They moved silently down the alleyway, turning a corner onto the main road. They walked no more than twenty paces when Lily pulled him into the sheltered entranceway of a shop and leaned close to him, speaking quietly into his ear. "Moody is waiting for us in Cary McLachlan's pub." She was so close to him that he could smell the light scent of Gardenias—her usual perfume. There's something else too, he thought, his senses quickly working to register the scent. It only took him a moment to recognize what it was—_baby powder_.  
  
"That's fine—"he began to reply. He was interrupted by a brief, tight hug and the sound of her voice, muffled into his cloak.  
  
"It's so good to see you."  
  
Stiffening, Severus patted her on the back robotically. "It's good to see you as well."  
  
As they parted, Lily placed a finger to her lips. She pulled her hood over her coppery hair so that she could blend in with the shadows once more, and beckoned him to follow her. They made their way to the pub in complete silence.  
  
_The life I've left behind me  
Is a cold room_  
  
The pub looked empty from the outside, as it was much too late for it to be opened on a work night. Lily stooped in front of a pot of daffodils that was filled with cigarette butts and the remains of some wizard's used pipe tobacco. Severus's eyes did a quick sweep of the street as Lily whispered softly into the bud of a daffodil. "Moody, it's Lily. _Scutum_." She turned to face Severus and gave him a half-shrug. Obviously, the password had been Moody's idea, not her own.  
  
Moments later, the pub door opened a sliver, revealing two inches of a gruff face. Alastor Moody was peaking out from behind it. "Get in here," he growled. "Quickly, before someone sees the both of you!"  
  
Severus followed Lily in with a quick swooshing of robes and the snap of the door shutting behind them. Moody stood at the door muttering the incantations of a few powerful protection charms, and Snape took the opportunity to get a good look at Lily.  
  
Her red hair was shining in the flickering candlelight as she unbuttoned her cloak and placed it on a nearby barstool. _There's something different about her_, he thought. He watched her intently, trying to place his finger on it.  
  
"Something wrong?" she asked, catching his eye. Facing him in the light, the difference suddenly became very obvious. _She looks softer. Child bearing will do that to a woman._  
  
"Nothing is wrong."  
  
She smiled at him. "I can't tell you how glad I was to receive your letter."  
  
The letter. Only one month ago he had addressed it to a Mrs. Lily Potter, grimacing at her new surname.  
  
She had been sitting in a rocking chair with Harry, singing him a lullaby, when a movement out of the corner of her eye made her stop rocking abruptly. An owl came flying at her, dropping a ragged envelope on her head. She blinked in astonishment as the envelope bounced off her head and onto the floor, and she narrowed her eyes at the tiny, familiar script that read "Mrs. Lily Potter" on the envelope. Quickly, Lily placed Harry in his bassinet, muttered a quick charm to keep it rocking, and picked up the letter.  
  
"What is it, hon?" James's dark head popped out of the kitchen where he had been making dinner. He must have realized that Lily was in shock, as her face was quickly losing color, and he sprinted towards her. James gently grabbed her hand and led her back to the rocking chair, his face showing nothing but concern as she looked up at him with tears in her eyes.  
  
"He wants to leave the Death Eaters," she told him softly, leaning against his chest.  
  
James stroked her hair, kissing her softly on the top of her head. "Who does?" he asked.  
  
Without a word, Lily thrust the letter into his hand. Frowning, his hazel eyes scanned the letter, his brow furrowed. He shook his head and let out a small snort, swearing under his breath. Lily quickly pulled away from him and narrowed her eyes. Her eyes flickered from the bassinet to James angrily. "James Potter!"  
  
James smiled at her guiltily, running a hand through his ruffled hair. "I shouldn't have sworn in front of Harry. I'm sorry Lils." Severus thought back to the letter and nodded slowly. He had had his fill of torturing and murders. One month ago he decided that it was time to lighten his burden.  
  
Moody walked towards them and jerked his head towards a clock on the wall. "Dumbledore ought to be with us any minute now."  
  
No sooner had he spoken those words, a large clap sounded throughout the room. Snape turned to look in the direction of the apparitioner. Albus Dumbledore was sitting at the bar, his eyes twinkling, as though he had been there for hours.  
  
"Lily, Alastor, it's wonderful to see you again," Dumbledore greeted them. He turned towards Severus, his crystal blue eyes still lit up with amusement. "Severus, I can't even express to you how pleased I am to have this meeting." His long fingers produced a wand out of his cloak. With a quick flick of his wrist, three chairs and a table were produced in front of a blazing fire. "Shall we?" he asked them, sweeping his hand towards the table.  
  
They sat and began a long discussion. To Severus, it felt like it had lasted hours, and he shifted in his seat to allow the blood to flow back into one of his legs. Their conversation had started with friendly catching up to do and slowly progressed into Severus's history as a member of the Death Eaters.  
  
_I've crossed the last line  
From where I can't return_  
  
Finally, they started to talk about why he was there with them in the first place.  
  
"And so you would like to join the Order of the Phoenix?" Dumbledore asked.  
  
"Yes sir. I believe that I have a great potential to bring you valuable information." He sat back, his arms folded across his chest.  
  
Moody shook his head. "Being a double agent is more difficult than you think, young man."  
  
Snape resisted the temptation to glare at Moody. "So I realize," he replied dryly. "I have, however, become somewhat skilled in the magical art of Occulemency."  
  
Lily, who up until this point was fairly quiet, sat up a bit straighter in her chair. "That's supposed to be quite difficult," she murmured.  
  
Dumbledore smiled at her and nodded. "Indeed. You must remember, Mrs. Potter, that Mr. Snape here has always excelled in his magical studies." She nodded back at Dumbledore's words, but her green eyes were still fixed on Severus. He looked quickly into the fire, breaking away from her stare.  
  
It reminded him of how she used to give him that same stare back at Hogwarts.  
  
The sound of Dumbledore clearing his throat snapped Severus back into the current meeting. "Very well then, Severus. You shall continue to serve Lord Voldemort as a Death Eater." He leaned across the table, interlacing his long fingers and placing his elbows on the table. "I also have an idea that will keep you out of the current muggle torturing." Whenever he spoke of the Death Eaters or Lord Voldemort, his eyes no longer sparkled, instead becoming a steely blue. "I've received your application for the Defense Against the Dark Arts position at Hogwarts, but I feel there is a more suitable career for you."  
  
Snape pursed his lips, forcing back the sigh that was aching to be expelled. He had feared that Dumbledore wouldn't give him the position, merely because of his background and the potential to lure more students to Voldemort's side. _Does he think I am so weak that I would let the Dark Lord control my lessons?_ Instead of voicing his thoughts, he nodded at the Headmaster.  
  
Dumbledore continued, "There is a position in the potions department at Hogwarts that will be opening up next year. You were one of the best potions students that Hogwarts has seen in a long time, and I thought that you might be interested. Would you like to join my staff as the new Potions Master at Hogwarts?"  
  
Severus was surprised. He had hardly expected to be offered a teaching job in the Potions department as well as a position of a double agent. He looked at Dumbledore, nodding. "That would be lovely." The words sounded odd coming from his mouth.  
  
"Good," the Headmaster smiled. "I daresay it may give you an excuse for Lord Voldemort too. You can tell him that you're keeping an eye on me. I'm sure he would be pleased with that."  
  
"Yes, I agree. He would."  
  
"Wonderful. Expect an owl from me later this term then. Now, if you'll excuse us Severus, I'd like to have a private word with Lily and Alastor." He turned to them both, smiling kindly.  
  
_Where every step I took in faith betrayed me  
And led me from my home_  
  
Severus stood up and excused himself from the table. He moved towards the other side of the room, mulling over the conversation he had just had with Dumbledore. He had not expected to be welcomed back so easily. Then again, for the past three years, nothing had been easy.  
  
The Death Eaters were a tight-knit group, but only because they shared secrets with each other that they could not share with the rest of the world. His entire life, Severus had been a freak, an outsider. Even his own parents didn't appreciate him, and that had filled him with a self-loathing. Eventually, as the years passed, he displaced those feelings onto others, and built himself quite the reputation of being a heartless, cruel bastard.  
  
Until Lily. But then, even she had turned him away.  
  
He had joined the Death Eaters in an attempt to fill the void in his life. Rosier, Black, the Lestranges—they all shared the same dark spirit as he did. The Dark Order had no tolerance for Muggle idiocy and a great love for dark arts. He agreed with their beliefs, but he was not like them.  
  
After a night of killing or torturing--whatever was their assigned task--the Death Eaters would return to their homes exhilarated. It was no secret that Bellatrix and Rodolphus would celebrate by drinking a bottle of cabernet and a night of lovemaking. Rodolphus would come in the next day with more motivation than ever. He often told Severus of those nights, although Snape hardly wanted to hear about them, however beautiful Bella was.  
  
Severus would return from the killings and lie awake in bed all night. No matter how many murders or torturing he took part in, the void in his life would not fill. If anything, it troubled him more.  
  
_Sweet Surrender  
Is all that I have to give_  
  
He had been out drinking with the Lestranges when he first heard about the Dark Lord's plan to kill the Potter child.  
  
Bellatrix had been talking about the rumors of a prophecy. He remembered her heavy-lidded eyes filling with mirthless laughter over the rim of her glass of wine. "A baby!" She had scoffed, "It will certainly be the easiest target yet. Even if it is the Potter's."  
  
Snape had been in mid-gulp when she announced it, and sputtered his fire whiskey all over the table. "Lily Potter?"  
  
"Who else, Severus?" She watched him carefully with her calculating eyes. "Don't even tell me you still have feelings for her. Especially since she's with Potter." Her voice had become cool and her words stung him. He glared at her fiercely.  
  
"No," he snapped. "Why would I care?"  
  
But in all reality, he had cared—did care. The plans on killing Lily Evans's child bothered him greatly. So much in fact, that she was the reason he had joined the Order of the Phoenix. To protect her and her child.  
  
_Take me in, no questions asked  
You strip away the ugliness that surrounds me_  
  
He was lost in thought when a soft hand touched his shoulder. "Severus," Lily asked, "Are you alright?" She gave him a small smile, her eyes searching his for an answer. She always could read him so easily; no matter how hard he tried to guard his emotions.  
  
"Yes. I'm fine. I was just trying to sort out all of the events that happened today."  
  
"It's a little overwhelming, isn't it? I mean, especially for you, since you're also working for—for Him."  
  
"Yes, it is." He couldn't bring himself to look at her. Every time he did, a new memory would rise up out of a dusty, purposefully-ignored corner of his mind. He remembered how she would chew on her bottom lip when she was concentrating in the library and her dimpled smile when the professor announced that she and Severus had received the highest marks on a test. He remembered the first time she had touched him—to stop him from cursing James into oblivion.  
  
James.  
  
Severus scowled deeply. Noticing his foul mood, Lily took his hand. "Severus, I never meant to hurt you. It's no use dragging up the past now." She smiled nervously, reaching into her cloak with her other hand. "Do you want to see a picture of Harry?" She brought out a photo and handed it to him.  
  
"He looks just like James," he murmured, examining the picture of the baby his crib giggling at the camera. "Except for his eyes," he said, turning to Lily. "He has your eyes."  
  
"Everyone says that." She proudly smiled, taking a moment to look at her child once more before placing the picture back in her pocket. "You'll probably have him in class if you're teaching at Hogwarts."  
  
"Most likely." He wondered, briefly, how the child would turn out. Would he be smart and kind like Lily, or an arrogant dolt like his father? It seemed as though he had inherited more of his father's characteristics already. Severus sighed.  
  
"Do you have somewhere to stay for the night? James agreed that you could stay with us if you're so inclined."  
  
"I'm not. I have some tasks that I'd like to settle at home," he replied, brushing off his cloak.  
  
"Alright then." She went to the barstool and grabbed her outer cloak, placing it on hurriedly. "I need to get back to Harry." She walked over and gave Severus a quick peck on the cheek. He hardly had time to react when she added, "Take care, Severus. I will talk to you soon." She disappeared with a pop.  
  
_Are you an angel?  
Am I already that gone?  
I only hope that I won't disappoint you.  
When I'm down here on my knees..._  
  
He didn't know it then, but it was one of the very last times that he would see her. He dreamt of her often after that meeting, whispering to her quietly about how he would protect her only son.  
  
_Sweet Surrender  
Is all that I have to give_  
  
He quietly watched her disappear. "Goodbye," he muttered after she had vanished. His heart ached from seeing her, but he would not let it get to him. He swallowed down the lump in his throat.  
  
Severus concentrated on his home and his dark, somber bedroom, quickly disapparating. Moments later, he was standing beside his bed, the single dent in the middle of his mattress glaring at him, mocking him for leading such a lonely lifestyle. He threw his outer cloak over the dent, and decided to get ready for bed.  
  
He began to unbutton his robes with one hand and summoned his dressing gown from the closet with the other. A mirror hung over the dresser, and his reflection caught his eye. His nose jutted out menacingly from underneath his dark, glaring eyes. No, it was definitely not an aquiline nose—it was plainly hooked. A "beak", as Black had termed it unaffectionately in school. It was no wonder that women weren't attracted to him. Lily, at least, had realized there was something to him besides his appearance.  
  
Of course, she had ended up with Potter, the golden boy. He snorted softly. They made the perfect Gryffindor couple--scarlet and gold.  
  
_And I don't understand  
How the touch of your hand  
I would be the one to fall  
I miss the little things  
I miss everything about you_  
  
He climbed into bed, hoping that maybe once he could get a good night's sleep. He always slept better when he dreamt of her.  
  
_Sweet Surrender  
Is all that I have to give_  
  
He stared at the ceiling, vowing to do everything in his power to protect Lily and her son.

* * *

Author's notes:  
  
Scutum is a star—its meaning is "the shield"  
  
McLachlan's pub is a reference to Sarah McLachlan, the writer and composer 

You might notice that I am a fan of Snape's. I think he is an intriguing character, and I have a few other one-shot stories about his relationship between Lily and later, Harry. If you find the time, you should read them, too. The stories are all interrelated, yet not close enough in time-span to be one story with multiple chapters.


End file.
